Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
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“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
What’s so funny?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all