Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Who called them baby pickles and not cutecumbers?
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The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
You mean the world to me.
Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?
This is correct.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?