I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
#SCOTUS one-star review
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.