Who called them baby pickles and not cutecumbers?

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The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.


One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.


You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.


All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.


I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.


COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan


If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.


I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.


Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?