Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
need him
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?