@MarlonBrandNO

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

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@novicefather

[glances toward living room stenographer]

“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”

stenographer: I promise not to get mad

@yayraptor

[dad training]
TRAINER: im hungry
ME: ok lets ea-
TRAINER: [stares]
ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad

@krautsider

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

@Holy_Mowgli

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

@Xoolun

Cops: Jay X?

Me: Yes.

Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.

Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.

@winemamita

stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!

@_alexwray

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

@NJFreudian

Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn’t think you’d remember.