4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
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[glances toward living room stenographer]
“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”
stenographer: I promise not to get mad
TRAINER: im hungry
ME: ok lets ea-
ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Cops: Jay X?
Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.
Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.
stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn’t think you’d remember.