Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
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After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.