Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
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My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Hamburger Hinderer.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*