Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

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My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.


I have batlike reflexes.
-You mean catlike reflexes?
*screeches real loud right in your face to locate food and avoid obstacles*


Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry


If I’ve learnt anything from Zombie movies it’s that people meat is pretty damn stringy.


me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know


My daughters weren’t paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.


“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.


[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative


[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.


There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.