Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
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Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
me 2 months after i graduated
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.