@Mr_Kapowski

Who called them police dispatchers and not coperators?

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@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

@InternetHippo

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

@_steamy_mac

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@DOGGEAUX

i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results

@TheAndrewNadeau

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

@Muath_tu

I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@Jeeepsta

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?