Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
You Might Also Like
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Just had my nails done!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”