“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Who called them police dispatchers and not coperators?
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”
i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?