17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Pandas 🐼🖤
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
hey, alexa
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.