Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*