Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE