Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

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If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t call her poop “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.


Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.


God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?


Comment on every picture of someone’s dog, “What is this”


My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!


Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what’s not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.