Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
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[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day