Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
thanks auntie mary
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
HOW DARE YOU
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?