@pittdave13

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

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@BraandoCommando

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

@dubstep4dads

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

@oh_georgi

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

@capnwatsisname

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

@hippieswordfish

nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free

@RachelNoise

If women had written the Bible, snoring would be considered a deviant behavior and/or manifestation of evil.