Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
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“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free
If women had written the Bible, snoring would be considered a deviant behavior and/or manifestation of evil.