Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
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Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd