Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

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How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.


Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married


Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.


Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.


friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear


tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him


Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don’t know karate 3) Rob them


Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses


Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”



My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”


[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister