@MatticusFinch1

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

You Might Also Like

@Jazzzzzmina

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

@KyleMcDowell86

Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married

@roxiqt

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

@NotJPo

Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.

@decentbirthday

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

@juliussharpe

Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don’t know karate 3) Rob them

@Browtweaten

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”

Doctor: “YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!”

@chloethesiren

My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”

@Ygrene

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister