“who can I count on to volunteer for this project?”

*slumps out of chair and slowly army crawls out of conference room*

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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?


*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.


ME: “Trick or bear?”
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]


If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.


[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*


Oh no.


If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die


wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food


A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.


If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.


Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.