If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
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I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta