Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant