[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
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I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.