Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
You Might Also Like
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
PLOT TWIST:
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD