Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

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Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.


Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice


Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?


As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.


When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”


I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive


tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf


Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.


I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.