@just1fool

Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?

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@Feenohmenal

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

@BoogTweets

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

@jamdugg

PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
Neighbor: hello
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
Me: hi

@TitaniumToplass

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

@Reverend_Scott

u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life

-ride a bike

-read a good book

-make a sacrifice to the dark lord

-watch a sunset

@ObscureGent

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

@dksc4life

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

@venkaiceprinces

Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

@givesnoerection

I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

@Shelts99

All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea.

Dating is hard!