I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?
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The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Parliament should learn from Twitter, thousands of people shout here doing nothing productive, yet it never gets adjourned.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.