@Kalamwali_Bai

Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?

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@AwkwardAndOdd

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

@pdxjohnny99

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

@Florescience

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

@ch000ch

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

@kelkulus

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

@3sunzzz

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

@sixfootcandy

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

@maxlavergne

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

@GabbbarSingh

Parliament should learn from Twitter, thousands of people shout here doing nothing productive, yet it never gets adjourned.

@steveolivas

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.