Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying