Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.