Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.