Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
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[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.