A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
thanksgiving in nutshell
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please