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[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.


Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbours by smiling and waving back at them.


FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.


I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.


My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…


My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.


Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes


me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok


joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*