Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That