My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Yes, this is exactly right
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table