Who.
Did.
This?
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
2023 was just a warmup
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts