@Bucktweet_Say

Who did this?
#EpsteinCoverup

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@christinaloca

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

@MadameSnippy

I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.

@jinkee

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

@AndrewNadeau0

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

@birbigs

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

@bananagrvyrd

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

@TheTweetOfGod

Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.