me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I have never related to anyone more.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome