WHO DID THIS?
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How do dragons blow out candles?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*