Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter