Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.


This man recorded his son every day for a decade. The footage is breathtaking and takes 10 years to watch.


When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020


I have no idea how some women look cute at the gym, I look like roadkill that got run over a few times.


Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.


Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”


My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.


I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting packets of Kikkomon soy sauce