@PeteSnacks

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

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@kyle_thatisall

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

@KevinFarzad

This man recorded his son every day for a decade. The footage is breathtaking and takes 10 years to watch.

@urmumsausername

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

@food_shoes_life

I have no idea how some women look cute at the gym, I look like roadkill that got run over a few times.

@DawnLovesZombie

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

@One_FineMess

My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.

@Chhapiness

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting packets of Kikkomon soy sauce