Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?