@Chhapiness

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

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@upsidedowntrash

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

@willhallcomedy

Happy one year anniversary to the day my own mother didn’t recognise me on TV 🥳

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

@Hey_Sascha

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

@Kryzazy

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

@xysist

If Noah was not holding ‘ Control ‘ while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.

@AngryRaccoon2

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

@Ginlicker

You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?