Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
He-man has a Masters degree
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.