All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
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It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Get in loser we’re going crying
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?