@JPLFR80

Who do I have to marry to get a girlfriend around here

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@lovemydogduck

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

@CrockettForReal

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

@mishakey

I was tailgating a slow driver earlier. He brake checked, flipped me off, and when that didn’t work he turned his police lights on. Jerk.

@VaGyver

Karmadillo is the superhero we need. 😂😂😂😂

@mdob11

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

@Darlainky

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

@iSamJack

It’s just sad how often I
see zookeepers breaking their own
‘Dont Feed the Animals’ rule.

@Parentpains

Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days.

@dumbbeezie

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it