Me: ‘Why are you going through my phone?’
BF: ‘Do you have something to hide?’
Me: ‘I’m gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.’
…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy talks more
You Might Also Like
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
*has elbow pain*
*buys a burial plot*
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Me: Honey, are you awake?
[wife rustles] Hmmm?
Me: When we were fighting & you said “Wolverine’s powers suck,” did you really mean that