@MissNaughty1801

…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy
…: why?
5y: mummy talks more

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@Storminika

Me: ‘Why are you going through my phone?’

BF: ‘Do you have something to hide?’

Me: ‘I’m gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.’

@primawesome

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

@knot_eye

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

@cwhudson

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

@CruisinSoozan

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

@LanieLalaBugs

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

@briangaar

Me: Honey, are you awake?
[wife rustles] Hmmm?
Me: When we were fighting & you said “Wolverine’s powers suck,” did you really mean that