You Might Also Like
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe