…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy
…: why?
5y: mummy talks more

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me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00


Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.


honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*


COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that


making better choices in 2020:
-everyone expects it

making worse choices in 2020:
-arguably more impressive
-no one expects it
-“how were there worse choices”, they will say


I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.


She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?


Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.