@girlnarly

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

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@ValeeGrrl

[House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer

WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time

HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K

@blade_funner

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

@SkinnerSteven

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

@fuzzlime

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

@whalesmells

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

@CaptPinkbeard

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

@ddsmidt

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”