Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
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zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I’m not drunk enough for this
I’m too drunk for this
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Friend: Omg, he proposed, we’re getting married!
Me: My condolengrats.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”