[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
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Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”