“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
congratulations to them
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.