I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
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I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
do horses think humans are hats
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Does beer think about me too?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.