Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
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a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.