Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.


No Brenda, Machu Picchu isn’t a Pokémon


[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash


14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’


Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”


I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.


me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners


I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.


Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal


“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.