Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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No Brenda, Machu Picchu isn’t a Pokémon
[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]
My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.