Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.