Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Pat is about to own someone
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.