@TheRealHoarse

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

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@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

@michaeldean0116

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

@MissHavisham

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

@SamuelHLowe

You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.

@Marcmywords2

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

@MumInBits

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.