Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise