@FlipPrincesss

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

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@stephenjmolloy

Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017

*in hospital 3 days later*

Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot

@garbagecoven

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

@eileencurtright

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

@leechee420

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

@DrakeGatsby

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

@Bob_Heller

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

@girlnarly

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

@tchrquotes

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

@Jamberee13

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign