Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017
*in hospital 3 days later*
Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign