I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
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Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.
HOROSCOPE: You’ll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it’s like they know me.
This drink tastes like the neighbors will be hearing late night small arms fire. I swear I just saw a coyote or a squirrel or a tree or a…
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
If you think my tweets are bad, hoo boy, you should meet me in person.