Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

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I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.


Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.


HOROSCOPE: You’ll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it’s like they know me.


This drink tastes like the neighbors will be hearing late night small arms fire. I swear I just saw a coyote or a squirrel or a tree or a…


My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.


I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair


Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.


Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car