Of course this is my real personality. Who the hell would fake THIS?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
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Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.
If my husband doesn’t give me a divorce as a gift I’m telling his girlfriend.
I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
BOSS: We need to improve morale
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess