@warhorse76

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

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@Vodkantots

Of course this is my real personality. Who the hell would fake THIS?

@CanadianCyn

Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.

If my husband doesn’t give me a divorce as a gift I’m telling his girlfriend.

@julieklausner

I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun

@chuuew

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

@nyquills

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

@Michael1979

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

@Jandalize

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

@FredTaming

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

@TweetPotato314

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

@dafloydsta

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess