Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

I enjoy a good short stor

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.