who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
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Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.