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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
No flush