Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Girl, same.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out