Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
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Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, βWhat if she is trying to murder you?β
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
βI was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.β
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said βno thank you, i have to pee soon & donβt like leaving an open beerβ so one of the guys said βainβt nobody gonna drink your beerβ
…do men think the reason we donβt leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
There comes a point in every parentβs life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isnβt getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
When people ask me why Iβm βconfinedβ to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, βI ate too many free samples at Costco. Iβll be out in seven months.β
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: Iβm a bit rusty
why isnβt he texting back
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… π¬