Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?

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Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”


[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it


*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*


Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.


You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!


Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”


WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies


*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*

You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.


*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .


These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.